Thursday, April 20, 2006

Falling in Love

Have you ever — someone in a , , or (I suppose) even a ? Last night I attended a potluck dinner for women working in media, calling themselves the Browning Group.” Only a few of them knew each other well, and about half were newcomers. The hostess, my friend Susan McClelland, tapped on her wineglass and announced the pregnancy of one member, then invited me to say a bit about my new book,.

I talked about the immense power of , and the fact that we are failing to make good use of it – especially . I talked about ways in which films, novels, and television shows have influenced around the world, without being recognized as the driving influence. And I gave an explanation: regular information does not mobilize people to become because it’s just ; it takes emotions to get us stirred up and ready to engage with such problems as , world , pollution, and warfare. The only media that arouse people’s passions in a sustained way are dramas or stories, especially prolonged ones in which you read installments or see episodes over a long period of time and then talk with other people who have also seen them. for example, are more powerful in the world than films that are executed equally well or even better. This is because the characters we see over a long stretch become our friends, or even our loved ones. It is common for viewers even to fall in love with a TV character.

I asked, “How many of you have ever fallen in love with a fictional character?”

You could have heard a pin drop. Finally one woman with both red and orange hair put up her hand. The others asked whom she had loved. “,” she replied. They groaned.

Never having watched , I had nothing special against J.R. personally, though I believe he was a bad guy until someone famously “offed” him. What surprised me was that only one of the fifteen guests admitted to having had such an experience. That was a lower ratio than usual. I’ve asked this question quite a few times, though not often enough to reach any generalizations about the frequency in real life. I imagine the women hesitated to come out with their own stories because they didn’t knew each other well enough. (I’ve been part of this group a few times before and have always felt that there was a certain reluctance to talk about fraught topics. Indeed, these women do not even talk about their jobs, though they are all in magazines, radio, TV, films, public relations, or some other related medium. (I don’t know what’s fraught about that topic, but their work seems to be avoided. The woman with the red-and-orange hair had already struck me as unusually bold. She had uttered controversial remarks as soon as she arrived, and I liked her for that.

I could not tell these women how common the experience is in everyday life, but I’d bet money that they’d each tell me about a memory of their own if we were chatting alone. I’d actually like to have a fuller sample. If you want to send me your story about loving a fictional character, I’ll appreciate it. Send it either as a comment to this blog or as an ordinary e-mail. Tell me how many times, if you can remember.

I realize that this is a sensitive question. Last year I joined a Yahoo group that reads one of’s novels per month and discusses it by posting on an e-mail list. It’s a huge club. I get about fifteen e-mails per day, though it has been running for years. I’ve belonged to a lot of similar lists devoted to different topics, but most members of this one seem to be friends, though the occasional newcomer is usually treated in a friendly way. However, I made a big mistake. I told the two women moderators of the group why I was interested in the group: that I am curious about the number of women who have fallen in love with Sayers’s main protagonist, the aristocratic amateur detective . My curiosity arose from the fact that a woman friend of mine disclosed her crush on Peter, and recounted a dinner party thirty years ago with four female anthropologists. They had all been in love with Wimsey. Upon hearing this, I remembered that I too had entertained fantasies about him in my own younger days. So I wanted to join this list, not only to discuss the Wimsey mysteries, which I dutifully re-read, but also to gather clues about this business of falling in love with fictional people.

I am still a member of the list. About a third are men. None of the members mention their emotional attachment to Lord Peter. However, both of the leaders are fiercely hostile to me. I was astonished the first time I encountered their rudeness. I had encountered “” on other lists as well – indeed, had even been largely responsible myself for starting an acrimonious exchange some years ago – but I’d never seen moderators do flaming themselves. Yet I persevered, quietly amused by the nasty replies my posts elicited. I kept putting out civil, moderately interesting comments on topics quite unrelated to love, but was informed that my remarks were worthless and would not be posted. Actually, I rather enjoyed baiting these ladies by uttering innocuous remarks that invariably provoked their paroxysms of fury. It seems to me (though perhaps not to the other list members, who after all have not seen their retorts to me) that these two women are in love with Lord Peter and feel horrified by the possibility that I’ll refer publicly to such feelings. Although I was getting a kick out of it, I’ve been too busy lately to carry it on. Perhaps it is genuinely painful for them to have their deepest sentiments observed unsentimentally by someone identified as a social scientist.

Two other questions about love were also on my mind as I fell asleep last night : one that I’ve never explored before. First: what is it like to “”? Of course, most of us have experienced it, but people don’t talk about falling out of love. In fact, I can hardly remember my own instances. How long does it take, on the average? I understand that “being in love” normally lasts about two years, but how long after that is the tapering off period? Or is it a sharp drop-off in some cases? It is supposedly affected by the amount of uncertainty about the prospects of a relationship with the love-object. Can it also be terminated by a shocking disappointment in the love-object? It is clearly a condition. When you’re in love, a scan of your brain will show a spot that “lights up” when you see a photo of your beloved. That brain effect is matched by the production of biochemicals throughout the body, with delightful sensations in the chest. I think that when you’re no longer in love, you cannot intentionally generate the same brain or other peptide responses. You just have to wait until Cupid strikes again. But I’m not sure.

Finally, while wondering whether the is a continuous curve or a cliff, it occurred to me that some such curves may not be “monotonic.” That is, some people may fall slightly out of love, then renew the spark, and then lose all feeling for each other, then – say twenty years later – fall in love again in a big way. I have never experienced anything like that. For me, once it’s gone, it never resumes. But I was reading an article about Italian men in their fifties. It seems that they are sitting ducks for a new . And the authors said that it was sometimes with a new woman and sometimes with their own wives. Really? Of all the times you’ve been in love, how many were with a person whom you’d loved before, with diminishing feelings? If you want to tell me your experiences, even anonymously, I’d love to hear them. Who knows: You may provide data for my next book


Anonymous Mel said...

Today I spent my lunch break re-reading, for the 6th or 7th time, the final book in a trilogy I first read as a teenager. Not only am I much too old to be reading these books, but I have fallen in love - many times - with the "prince of darkness" character in the book, Julian. What an absurd thing, to fall in love with a fictional character. I found myself this afternoon googling "falling in love with a fictional character" to prove to myself that I haven't lost it... and so I've stumbled across your blog. Now I'll share with you my fictional love affair.

It's difficult to put into words the feelings I get when reading this trilogy, but every time Julian makes an appearance, I read those pages over and over, and my stomach actually gets butterflies. It's embarrassing to admit, but I constantly fantasize about this character. I want him to come for me, the way he does for his lover in the book. He is powerful, beautiful, inhuman... and evil, which is part of his appeal. I can't stop thinking about him, and I would likely give up my own relationship if Julian were to come for me.

I'll say it again - this is completely absurd! Of course I would never admit to anyone these feelings I have, but I expect that I'll read this trilogy over and over for the better part of my life. I'm in love with Julian and the only way I can have him is to read his story again, and again, and again...

9:20 PM  
Anonymous Masha said...

I am also in love with a fictional character (Erast Fandorin from the detective series by Boris Akunin) and I also found your blog the same way, by googling "in love with a fictional character." Some of the people on the wonderful forum were talking about their love for Sir Peter Wimsey (I guess detectives are popular). I think that it's normal to fall in love with fictional characters because they're ideal; however, I am not entirely sure how one reconciles that with real men who have faults and who are far from ideal.
However, when I asked Akunin about this, he said that there is an Erast Fandorin in every man. I am not sure. In an interview, however, he admitted that his ideal reader is women and that he created this character for women to fall in love with. So I suppose that it's no surprise that it works, since it was set up this way originally.
To be perfectly honest I don't know how good the English translations of the novels are. So I don't know if I can recommend them.

8:55 PM  
Blogger Mr Mopi said...

Most women don’t know this... but even if a man is attracted to you or even says he loves you...

...chances are he still feels something is missing.

Because there is a secret, emotional need hidden within his heart that he craves more than anything.

And in most cases, is not being met.

The problem is, if it’s not being met, his attention will inevitably wander until he finds a woman who can give it to him.

Maybe one in a thousand women knows how to do this instinctively, and they usually rise to unbelievable levels of influence and fame.

But most women, or men for that matter, don’t even know it exists.

On the other hand, when you have this 1 simple secret...

You won’t believe the shocking effect you have on the men in your life.

Here’s a video I discovered that shows you exactly what I’m talking about:

Here’s how: ==> He’ll give his heart to the first woman who does THIS... ]



2:45 AM  

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